even the stars refuse to shine
by Lyan
Summary: History repeats itself endlessly, with surgical efficiency. The Ouroboros gleams inside the very fabric of space; after one has lived through several millennia it is easy to commit and relapse into old mistakes. Every few centuries, Garnet will give in and Pearl will get in too deep. Sardonyx will open her eyes. / An study of their relationship after and before. Pearl/Garnet.


**A/N:** Hello y'all! Here I come with another fic after the latest Stevenbomb. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. As a pearlnet shipper I couldn't be happier; we got lot of material to work with! I loved how this episodes approved of many theories, disproved others... man, it sure was intense. Well, here you have a little piece that began pretty simple and turned into a 5k monster. I don't know how, Pearl took over. I love her so much... I relate to her character a lot, really. So it's easy for me to get into her head and while what she did to Garnet was pretty shitty, I can understand her intentions completely. She didn't do it out of malice... and trust me, loneliness can be quite a bitch.

Anyhow! There's also a bit of pearlamethyst in here ? honestly idk why, I was just writing a conversation and it appeared like a wild Pokemon. I hope you enjoy the fic and please, let me know what you think in the comments! I love reading your opinions, I really do :). Also, since this is my second fic in English and I'm trying to improve day by day, if you see any mistakes please let me know. Thank you ~.

(the title is from the song "Collide" by Howie Day)

 **Disclaimer:** Steven Universe doesn't belong to me. Her owner is the evil Sugar woman and Cartoon Network.

* * *

 _even the stars refuse to shine_

* * *

Pearl is tired.

She hasn't been this exhausted since Rose's death. Those first years were particularly taxing; she can still remember how time stretched endlessly ahead of her, like a sinuous yet bumpy road. Steven was there _(Steven was always there)_ and Garnet was not _(Ruby liked to kiss her when she appeared and Sapphire liked to hold her hand)_ and— _Amethyst_ was there, sort of. A sudden, curvy woman where there had been a child. Amethyst eyes were clouded and she liked to sleep curled into her long hair, as if hided by the white strands. Safe within her body; collected; calm.

They were all there and so was Pearl, or at least what was left of her. She sat many nights under the stars and wished for death. She wished for sanctuary. She wished for home. She wished for peace of heart. She cried, quietly, into her hands. Tears like _pearls_ that tightened her chest and she couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she wanted to scream—

 _(Those humans, they believe in souls, you know? And heaven and reincarnation and hell. Are you there? Somewhere? Rose? Rose?)_

Rose's ghost was like a gaping hole among them. Like an empty space where there had been matter. They all moved around the temple very carefully, as if fearful of stepping on her corpse. Out of the corner of an eye they would see her pass; a bountiful of pink hair, the tapping of her bare feet, the rumble of her laugh. And some days they holed themselves up on Rose's room and wished for a bed and they just slept for a bit. Together, embracing one another, like a tight little ball of limbs and hair. All four of them; the remaining Crystal Gems.

Pearl did not sleep. She liked to hold Amethyst's hand and she loved Sapphire's gentle snores and she adored the way that Ruby would ruffle her nose and mumble and drool. Sometimes Greg would rang the bell in those especially dreadful days and Pearl would ignore him until he went away. She didn't need him and she didn't need Steven because all the family she could ever wish for was in her arms.

(But without Rose she was so utterly _alone_.)

Those days were exceptions, of course.

Most days they visited Steven and they talked to Greg and they lived to the best of their abilities in a Roseless world. Pearl was tired then, as she is now. She sobbed then, as she sobs now and she hid then (in empty rooms, in deserted lands, in high places, in shadowed hearts) as she does now. She spent countless hours near Steven's crib like a loving presence. She caressed his forehead when he slept and she felt in her chest the swollen pride of motherhood, bursting at the seams. She loved Steven in little bits and pieces. His tiny hand around her fingers, his soft hair beneath her chin. She hugged the baby and she sang to him about the planets, the moon, and the distant stars.

 _Your home is so very far away, my gemling. My darling, my sweet, my child—_

She promised to herself _no matter how tired I am, when the time is right I will put all this behind. For him. For her._

Steven was seven when Greg let him go. Garnet returned to stay and Amethyst foregone sleep in favor of food. Pearl wiped away her tears and flashed a smile at him. He laughed and they all said _welcome home!_

She still felt tired and that was okay.

* * *

Pearl is tired.

She lays down beneath the waterfalls; eyes closed, mouth shut, limbs still. Since Steven taught her to sleep things are easier. She awaits patiently for things to blow up because Garnet won't talk to her and there is nothing she can do but wait. After all, it's not the first time this happens. Sardonyx has a nasty habit of wrecking things up whenever she appears— and Garnet has little patience for her mistakes.

Pearl knows that it's all her fault. Sometimes her loneliness is like the bite of a mad animal, and its poison burns through her veins. It happened every time Rose found a new human lover _(pet)_ and it became a steady feeling after her death. Pearl feels broken to pieces and Garnet is complete. Therefore it's natural that she would seek her light because Garnet is made of love, and Pearl is nothing more than an empty shell. Usually Rose was enough. But then again, there were _so many humans_ and she found them all _so strikingly beautiful_ and _Pearl, you do know I love you, right?_

 _Of course, my liege._

Of course.

It all comes down to jealousy. To weakness, to neediness, to naiveté. Garnet is everything that Pearl could ever dream of; she is the perfect relationship, the perfect leader, the perfect gem. Garnet embodies all that is good and right within the world. She is so _beautiful_ and every time she gives her the chance to fuse, every time she says _I trust you_ with the slant of her eyes and the movement of her hips — Pearl forgets herself. Being Sardonyx is more than fun. It's exhilarating, intoxicating, it feels like a rocket will set off in her chest and set alight her bones.

It has always been like this. Even when Rose was here, Pearl has always felt an aching deep in her flesh. Burning, scorching desire that eats her raw. She longs for Garnet's essence; for the core of her being, for the grounded heart that beats between her ribs. Sometimes, she feels so _useless_. Her body so pathetic, her mind so defective. To be anything else is better than to be a pearl.

History repeats itself endlessly, with surgical efficiency. The Ouroboros gleams inside the very fabric of space; after one has lived through several millennia it is easy to commit and relapse into old mistakes. Gems, like humans, are creatures of habits. Like humans, they do not learn their lessons nor are they divine. Every few centuries, Garnet will give in and Pearl will get in too deep. She'll clutch at the taller gem with steely hands, she'll cry into her skin, she'll scream _I don't want to live as me, I can't do this anymore, I won't, please... I can't._ And Garnet will say _okay._ She will kiss her brow, and nuzzle her nose against her gem. _Okay. It's alright._

Sardonyx will open her eyes.

It is a matter of time until things spiral out of control. They will fuse and defuse until Garnet feels dizzy and Pearl is high. Until Garnet says _enough_ and Pearl does not feel satisfied. That's when the trickery comes into play. The deceit. The falseness. The hurt and the betrayal and the anger. It becomes a messy affaire, a tangle of emotions that takes some time to soothe. And while Sapphire is ruthless and cold, she is also quick to forgive. She has a warm, gentle heart. Ruby is her exact opposite. She's feverish, violent, abrasive. Her heart freezes in anger. She fosters and fans the ire inside Garnet like a healthy fire. She burns and screams and cries to the heavens... and then she is quiet for a very long time. She is reassembling herself, reassuring her heart that things are right. Years pass and a day comes when Garnet is ready to mutter _I forgive you_ and that is all.

The world turns in its axis and all is right.

Pearl stifles a bitter laugh that trembles in her throat. It is ridiculous, really, how they behave. They both know the steps of this dance, of this rehearsed fight, and yet they fall into the same trap over and over and over again. How many times have they fused, only to come undone because of her non-existent self-worth? How many times have they cried and yelled and wanted to strangle one another? They know, _they know_ what will happen every time because gems, like humans, do not change.

Opal, Alexandrite, Sugilite, Rainbow Quartz... they are all stable fusions. Despite their short-comings, they have proved over and over their capacity for balance and harmony. What is it about Garnet that hurts Pearl so deeply? Why does Sardonyx give her that much pleasure? In a way, it feels as if she's betraying Rose. Because she loved Rose, did she not? With all her heart, with every little cell of her being. She sacrificed everything for Rose, she gave up her life for her, died for her in every turn of the way. She loved Rose. She did, no matter how many times others had called it _infatuation_ or _obsession_ or _unrequited..._

 _She loved me back. I know._

She will always love Rose. It is ingrained in her muscles, in the deeper levels of her skin, in the very curve of her lips. She'll love her until her gem cracks. But Rose never made her feel this way about fusing. Never once did Rose ignite such a fire in her, such _passion..._ Rainbow Quartz was such an easy fusion. As easy as talking, as singing, as loving. She appeared out of thin air and stayed for days to come.

But Sardonyx. Sardonyx makes her want to claw at her own skin just to get out of her body this itch, this restlessness, this _urge._

Pearl stares at the falling cascade for a long while. She stares until everything becomes blurry and beautiful and blue. She grazes the surface of the lake with her fingertips and closes her eyes. The water is cool and soothing. Her body seems to melt under its feather-light touch. She's falling asleep. Beneath her closed eyelids there are random shapes and colours and maybe a particular gem's shadow. She sucks in a shaky breath. Then she lets it out. She repeats the process, slowly, methodically.

She dreams.

 _Do I love Garnet? Do I love Garnet? Is that the answer? Do I feel like this because I love her?_

 _Is there even an answer?_

* * *

Pearl is tired.

It's been three weeks since Garnet last talked to her. Sometimes she says a word or she makes a sound in her direction, always propelled by Steven, through clenched teeth. But it's not enough to dispel the worry that grows inside her with each passing day. Last time they argued about this subject it went untouched for two hundred years. For a gem, it's not such a long time; maybe a year in human terms. Steven, though... Steven is half-human and perhaps he will be dead by then. They do not know how his biology works and sometimes it drives Pearl off a wall. If we were to get hurt, if he got sick (he has never been ill in all of his life; an astonishing achievement for a human), if he got _killed..._ they wouldn't know enough to help him. They would be lost, confused, and even Garnet would despair. This scenario is the new foundation of all her nightmares. The terror that coils in her stomach and clams up her throat. She was saved by Rose to become her protector. She was reborn as a guardian, as a soldier. But when the time comes, there will be nothing she can do to help Steven. She will be useless. _As always._

The only thing she knows for sure is that they need to make up fast. For him.

"Hey, P? You alright in there? You look a little tense."

Pearl snaps out of her reverie. She is sitting on the sofa in Steven's room alongside Amethyst. Steven's with Connie and Garnet is off to God knows where. It's just the two of them now.

"I... I got lost in thought. I guess I'm thinking too much about things... my head hurts," she sighs. She turns to Amethyst, who is watching her strangely quiet. Her eyes look ginormous on her little purple face.

"Maybe we should talk it out. It can't be good to keep all that inside," she says.

"It's... difficult for me to put into words what I'm feeling right now. It's just..." Too many things at once. Garnet's anger; Peridot's threat and Malachite's presence; Steven's growing uneasiness about his heritage, which he tries to hide but is so obvious to them all... "I'm just worried about many things. That's what I do, worry. You know me."

"Yeah, but maybe... maybe you don't need to worry alone. You can talk with me, y'know. I'm not stupid or anything, I'm not a kid anymore..." Amethyst looks down at her hands, her expression forlorn. Pearl feels a pang in her chest and takes her hand.

Amethyst doesn't flinch.

"You were never a kid." She thinks about the Kindergarten and suppresses a shudder. "We have always considered you an adult, Amethyst. I'm sorry if we ever made you feel the opposite..."

"'s okay."

"No, it's not," Pearl insists. "Look at me, Amethyst."

She does. It's been a long time since they last talked like this. Usually, their disagreements results in bickering, but it's their similitudes which brings them closer. They share the same fears and hopes under all these facades. It's easy to forget that. And Pearl will not lose her friendship over something as petty as a difference of opinion. She will not lose Amethyst when already then world is crumbling around her and all that remains is loneliness and silence.

She has argued with Garnet many times along the centuries, but normally, it doesn't mend any holes in her relationship with the purple gem. Maybe they're both changing. Maybe Steven will save them all.

"I love you. You do know I love you, right?" Her voice quivers a bit. "And so does Garnet."

"I — I know..."

"You're an important part of the Crystal Gems, as much as any of us. We need you. I... I need you, too. So if you ever feel bad... please, speak up."

"Okay," she nods. She climbs up into Pearl's lap and nuzzles her head in the crevice of her neck. "Okay."

Pearl hugs her. Her skin is warm.

"I'm so sorry that this thing between Garnet and I is making you all so... uncomfortable."

"It's fine." She says. "But I'm not _uncomfortable_. Pearl, do you remember, after Rose died... when I regenerated? Do you remember...?"

"I do."

Amethyst stays quiet for a long time. Pearl keeps her chin pressed above her head and relents into the wild whirlwind of memories that seems to overcome her. Gems project a physical appearance equivalent to the age they feel. Amethyst stayed a child for five millennia. And no matter how many times she regenerated —which were many since she possess such recklessness— she would always come out looking like a little kid. She felt secure in her skin and she felt happy and that was all that mattered. They all knew that Amethyst was no child; she had been created as an adult and so she had remained until Rose's love embraced her.

Into Rose's arms she had felt pure again. Childish, innocent. Frail. Because of these feelings, Amethyst retreated into the looks of a gemling. No-one questioned her. It was her choice.

Until Rose decided to _die,_ until the very day she disappeared into a cloud of pink fog and in her place there was only Steven, crying in desperation like the tiny _murderer_ he was—

 _They all scattered around the temple that day, to mourn in solitude. It was at the late hours of night that Pearl found Amethyst lying on the beach._

 _She was an adult woman for the first time in five thousand years._

 _"Amethyst? Are you okay? What...?"_

 _"I got hurt. I got hurt real bad, Pearl."_

 _She looked at the looming cliff above their heads, where the lighthouse stood. The dawning of understanding pierced her eyes._

 _"So you regenerated?"_

 _"Yeah..."_

 _"Amethyst..."_

 _"I'm sad."_

"I'm sad, I think. I'm sad like that."

Pearl cries softly into the soft white locks, feeling progressively worse with each tear spilled. She's been crying too much lately. One of her hands closes around Amethyst's chubby ones.

"Is it our fault? Mine and Garnet's..."

"No, no. I don't think so. I've felt sad for some time now."

"I'm glad you told me. I'm sorry, Amethyst."

"No... _I'm_ sorry. I shouldn't burden you with this shit, you're feeling bad enough as it is..."

"Don't say that," she mutters. "Don't say it like you don't matter."

Another silence stretches between them.

"You know? I think that's what I feel. Like I'm alone and I don't matter to anyone. I know it's not true but..."

 _But the seed of doubt is always there._

"I understand you. I really do. But you are _wrong_. You matter and you are not alone and you are strong." She sounds convinced to her very bones. Amethyst lets out a feeble laugh and raises her head to kiss Pearl on the cheek. She blushes. They're not normally that affectionate with each other.

"I love you too, P. Y'know? Maybe you should listen to your own advice."

For the first time in three weeks Pearl bestows upon her a real, honest to God smile.

 _(Perhaps here lies the problem. I don't love Garnet. I'm in love with her.)_

* * *

Pearl isn't tired anymore.

She's terrified, she's hysterical, and she's at her breaking point. The room closes around them, trapping them like rats on the spot. They will die. Their gems will shatter and she will _die_ after all these years; a stupid, absurd, unnecessary death. All because of her over-eagerness, her desire to make amends, her greediness over Garnet and her treachery... she has killed them both. Pearl would cry but she can't barely process what is going on.

She breaks down. It is not the right time. But it's now or never.

"No matter how hard I try to be strong like you… I'm just a pearl. I'm useless on my own. I need someone to tell me what to do." Tears flow, freely. She can't bear the thought of meeting her end without making up first. She will apologize one last time. Even if Garnet won't listen. She'll try. "When we fuse, I can feel what it's like to be you... confident, and secure, and complete. You're perfect. You're the perfect relationship. You're always together. I just — I wanted to be a part of that."

She doesn't know what answer she expects. Perhaps there isn't an answer. Perhaps all that awaits for her is silence. And suddenly, like the fall of a shooting star — the miracle.

"You're wrong! I'm not as strong as you think! I... I fell apart over this. Ruby and Sapphire were in turmoil over how you deceived me! I came undone! It's not easy being in control. I have weaknesses too, but I choose not to let them consume me. I struggle to stay strong because I know the impact I have on everyone. Please understand, Pearl… you have an impact too. There are times when I look up to you for strength."

They have known each other for nine thousand years, they have fused on multiple occasions, and they have talked about everything they could possibly talk about. And yet. And yet Pearl did not know that Garnet is also scared. She did not know that Garnet feels loneliness, as she does, that she feels weakness, and that she gets _hurt._ How is it possible? How could she have been so misguided? So many times she turned to Garnet, seeking comfort after a fight with Rose. So many times she used her and disregarded everything that fusion means to her. Everything that she fights so fiercely for. They are ancient, eternal beings, _how could she get it all so wrong?_

What are the chances?

Garnet says _there are times when I look up to you for strength_ and Pearl feels like her chest will burst with love, like someone has lit a fire inside her veins that burns along her blood. It's everything she has ever wished to hear. It's everything that Rose never said to her. Because they were not equals. They could never be the same. Garnet, though, Garnet _understands._

 _You are your own gem. You control your own destiny. Not me, not Rose, not Steven._

This is the truth she has denied to herself for long. Pearl feels how the world changes around her, how this new reality warps itself around her fingers. Everything is the same as usual, and simultaneously, they'll never go back to how things were before. They are moving forward, finally. For nine thousand years they were stuck inside an act, a performance, a shattering relationship where they kept hurting each other. The bitterness of her regret burns inside her mouth but now Pearl understands. She can't give in to loneliness. She can't give in to this awful feelings, this deep-rooted selfishness that once granted her the epithet "defective".

There's a cracking sound and the box keeps shrinking once again.

They may have talked things... but what is it worth if they will die here? Pearl can only see one way out of this danger but she would never dare to suggest it. Not anymore.

"Pearl, there's only one way out of this!" As always, Garnet breaks all her expectations. She nods, frowning.

"Only if you're okay with it!"

There's no room to fuse. They can't dance like this and it's extremely complicated to create a stable fusion just with touch alone. If the love between them is not strong enough it'll fall apart. Pearl puts her hands on Garnet's shoulders and draws her closer, trembling from head to toe. Their faces are almost touching, a centimeter or two away. This close Pearl can see the pinkish hue of Garnet's skin and she spots a wanderer eyelash down on her cheek. Garnet breaths _Pearl_ above her mouth, just a whisper that makes her gasp, as hot air damps her lips. They kiss.

They didn't _have_ to kiss. A hug could have been enough or a kiss to the brow. But they are kissing, mouth to open mouth, with a feverish desperation that has never been present before. Garnet's hands are everywhere and as the room keeps tightening, getting smaller every time, something else coils and turns inside Pearl's stomach. She can feel herself disappearing, she senses Sardonyx bubbly personality emerging inside her mind. Her body begins to transform but they keep kissing like nothing on the whole wide galaxy could keep them apart. Garnet tangles one hand into her hair, grabbing her by the scalp, and she deepens the contact by letting pass a tiny bit of tongue. Pearl's head is swirling, swinging, she can't think of nothing else than this happiness, this feeling of completeness, of wholeness, of love.

 _This is where I'm supposed to be._

They have formed Sardonyx, now. They are inside her. But somehow, in their consciousness, they are still together, still embracing one another. It's like Garnet has allowed herself to lose control, just for a minute — and it's such a _marvelous_ thing. As Garnet recomposes herself and lets the fusion have control, Pearl can feel the words inside her mouth, sleeping beside her own tongue. She feels the words in the crevices of her body, dancing inside her brain. They haven't been spoken but they are there.

 _I love you. I love you. I love you._

They break free.

And when they split up (when Sardonyx, lovely Sardonyx who has never been happier or purer or holier disappears—) they are separated. They have given each other space. One looks says it all.

 _I forgive you. I love you. I understand._

They have to work many things out, now.

* * *

"Well. That didn't turn out so bad, did it? A step in the right direction!"

"It could have gone better," Garnet says with a tiny smile. "But you're right. We're making some progress here."

They are sitting in the cliff besides the temple. Tonight the sky is luminous, almost blazing in its glory. Everything is quiet in the world and they can hear the stars singing their tune. Some human philosopher called it, many millennia ago, the _music of the spheres_ and Pearl can only admire his keen ears and beautiful mind.

They are holding hands and they haven't yet talked properly. But they are getting there. Step by step (Pearl predicts tons of puns with Peridot's foot, which is sitting on the kitchen counter bubbled by Steven himself.)

"Pearl," Garnet says.

She turns her head around and looks at her. She's not wearing her shades.

"Pearl, you do know I'm not Rose, right?"

"...One of the reasons why I — I love you it's because you're not her."

Garnet frowns a little and panic bubbles in Pearl's chest.

"I — I mean that you would never hurt me! Not like her..."

"We... are like humans, Pearl. We will hurt each other sometimes. It's not something you can avoid."

"Rose hurt me because we weren't equals. She was above and she didn't treat me as an equal. I... didn't also. I undermined myself. I saw myself as nothing."

She stops and blushes a little, ashamed.

"I still do. See myself like that," she whispers.

Garnet looks at her, saddened.

"I know that." She says. "I've told you many times that you are worthy, Pearl. You, and Amethyst... you're both strong gems, in your own way. Rose told you, too."

"Yes, I know..."

"But you are right to say that your relationship with her wasn't... love."

"I loved her." Pearl insists. She presses a hand against her chest, clutching at her clothes. "That's not what I meant. I'm sure that I loved her, I know this. Perhaps it wasn't the healthiest relationship, but we loved each other, Garnet. You can't take that away from me."

"I won't," she replies softly.

"What I'm trying to say is... that it wasn't good for me. Or for her."

"And you think that I will be better for you." There's something like displeasure in her tone. Pearl berates herself internally for her choice of words.

"What I think is that we'll help each other. To grow. To love. You will never be alone anymore, I promise." Pearl takes their united hands and kisses Garnet's knuckles. "As long as we are together, I know we'll make it through. If I'm with you... I won't feel weak anymore. And neither will you."

Garnet stares into her eyes quietly. Something troublesome seems to brew beneath the blank surface. And then she lowers her head and kisses her.

The world stops.

"I love you," she says upon her lips. "I've loved you for many centuries now."

"Garnet..."

"But I can't trust you with this... until you show me that you have changed."

Pearl sighs and slumps her shoulders in defeat.

"I'll do it. I'll show you I'm worthy of being with you."

Garnet shakes her head.

"No. You'll show me how proud you are of being your own gem, your own person." She smiles at her, a real, sincere smile and joins their hands again. "You won't have to do it alone. I'll be there. We'll help you."

The meaning of her words tugs at the smile in her lips. _We'll help you._ Steven and Amethyst and Garnet, they are all there. Things are different now, from those first years after Rose's death. Pearl doesn't feel so tired anymore. She sits beside Garnet and as they watch the falling stars she feels that maybe, somehow, things are truly okay. Whatever hell was festering inside her has finally stop. She does not feel loneliness or anger or grief. In this precise moment, in this little corner of the universe, she is content; happy; elated. She rests her head against Garnet's chest and thinks _maybe this is how things were supposed to be._

The world turns in its axis, the Ouroboros breaks and the cycle burns itself into the night.

* * *

 _So, did you like it? I struggled a bit with the ending because I wanted to give them a happy ending but at the same time... it's hard to do so without disrespecting everything Garnet's character is supposed to mean. I tried, at least!_

 _See ya around!_

 _Ly_


End file.
